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Author: rainboweyes | Total views: 114 Comments: 0
Word Count: 1977 Date: Thu, 18 Dec 2008 1:36 AM

Pottergate

POTTERGATE

by Bruce Baker

I heard a great director say or maybe it was a great screenwriter who said that every movie has a beginning, a middle, and an end, but not necessarily in that order.

This part is in the “not necessarily in that order” part.

Many of you have probably never heard of Pottergate. Some will say this is not true. Some will say it never happened. I was actually warned by someone at one of the Most Powerful Guilds in Hollywood not to write this. I am writing this anyway.

Pottergate happened in Burbank. First let me tell you about Burbank, which is the unofficial location of Hollywood. Burbank has the world’s largest Wally Mart, the biggest and the baddest. You know the store that has the commercials with the “Smiley Face” from the “Have a shitty day” that goes around knocking down prices and little old ladies. This store goes to small town USA and ruins Main Street. Yeah, that store. This store keeps building next to other big box stores hoping to steal their customers.

Burbank is also rumored to have been the location of Mousch-witz, the concentration camp for cartoonists owned and operated by the Dizzy Knee Corporation (or is it Wounded Knee, maybe it's Trick Knee or Knee with a Brace.)

The good news is the cartoonists were recently liberated by the Pixies from the Pixie Hour Television Show. You know, the guys that gave us the Little Marmalade, The Stoy Tory, Shriek Once and Shriek Twice.

These are the kind of things studio heads don’t want you to know.

Do you know why studio heads are called studio heads? Because they are just that – just heads. They are huge heads with no arms and legs.

That’s why the only present you can ever get them is a hat. “No. Wait. Don’t tell me. Not another hat. Right?”

They’re just filled with hot air. They look like those giant balloons in the May Day Parade. In fact, a few of them have been in the May Day Parade.

Some people say their hot air smells like farts. That’s also probably why some people say they’re assholes. They are not assholes. They can’t be, they have no butts.

Now why would the studio heads not want you to know about Pottergate?

Studio heads don't like to look bad. Studio heads don't like to look silly. Or rather studio heads don't like to look any sillier than they all ready are.

That's right boys and girls. Don't laugh at people with big heads. It just makes them mad.

That's right boys and girls. A mad big-headed person full of hot air is a terrible thing to see and a terrible thing to smell. They just plain stink.

Another possible reason why the studio heads do not want you to know about Pottergate is greed. Yes it is just quite possible that there exists some greedy studio heads. Hard to believe, isn't it? Hard to believe that there may exist a few greedy studio heads.

Yes, a billion dollars is just not enough money. You see the bigger the cake, the easier it is to lick off some of the icing without anyone noticing.

One thing is for sure. The studio heads don’t want you to know about the Pottergate scandal.

I’m sure you’ve all heard the story of Hillary Potter, the little redheaded, pig-tailed girl with an X or was it a W on her forehead. Famous author Jack Rolling Rock wrote the story. I think the tale is about trains and automobiles, brooms and mops, big trees and a school for the paranormal.

Then the studio heads turned this fable of Hillary Potter into a movie.

Before I can tell you about the Pottergate scandal, I need to tell about the usual suspects.

This all happened when I was working at the CiVic Center in Burbank. It is situated in an old airport hanger by the Burbank airport. The CiVic Center is owned and operated by the Wormer Bros. Four brothers named Sam, Yucko, Paco, Hacko, and their sister Ditto.

It is rumored that Sam had a picture on his desk of his little sister Ditto as a kid strangling her favorite stuffed toy, Mr. Ted. When she grew up Ditto actually tried to strangle the real Mr. Ted, which is probably why he left the company.

Their head henchman at the CiVic Center was President-for-Life Sherman T. Howell. Shermie was a very short, round, bald man who wore squeaky hush puppy shoes. Actually, the shoes were more squishy than squeaky. Shermie also had a permanent frown that actually went all the way down his neck. The frown is so pronounced it looks more like the lines on a ventriloquist dummy’s face.

Shermie was known by some as “Howl at the Moon” since he liked to scream at everyone.

It should also be noted that Shermie owned a small company called The Fabulous Antique Rusty Tape Store or F.A.R.T.S. for short. Their motto is "We're F.A.R.T.S. We Stink!"

His second-in-command was little Buddy Dimbulb – a humorless man who never smiled or spoke. He was like every vice-principal in school you ever met. He carried out all commands without mercy or conscience.

My favorite guy was the general manager Salvador Manilla – that’s right Sal Manilla or Little Sally Sunshine as we called him. Little Sally Sunshine was a skinny, tanned, wrinkled guy. He was always more concerned about in-house rules – stuff he made up – than about getting product to the customer. His first memo ever was not about how to keep the customer happy, but about someone parking in his parking spot. Sal Manilla was an evil, paranoid man who pretended to be your friend then he would stab you in the back, poison you, kick you, stomp on your face then smile wondering why you weren’t smiling too.

The next usual suspect was Joffanin Witless. This witless head of technical operations was a California surfer, a good-looking blond haired tan guy who called everyone “dude” and never made any sense. “Like hey man, like you know, like, you know what I mean?”

One of the last usual suspects is Demeanian, the office manager, a small mousy kiss-ass guy who liked to play golf with Shermie and Buddy. He was a true ring neck. A ring neck is guy who has his head so far up the ass of their boss that when they pull their head out they have a ring around their neck.

Well, the story goes that the first day that the movie “Hillary Potter” was in the movie theaters, a digital video master arrived at the CiVic Center. How the master went from the receiving desk into a videotape machine is a mystery. Some people think it was a para-normal incident. What is known is that Demeanian noticed the master was not only playing but it was also being recorded onto about twenty VHS.

Being the good ring neck that he is, Demeanian ran and told little Sally Sunshine. He probably looked like Chicken Little yelling, “The sky is falling, the sky is falling” when he ran into Sally’s office. Little Sally Sunshine tried to cover up the Pottergate scandal of course. But faithful Demeanian also called his golf buddies Shermie and Buddy.

Apparently Shermie and Buddy loved the 19th hole more than golfing.

Naturally, Little Sally Sunshine was guiltless. He had no idea what was going on. He never knew what was going on because he was more concerned with parking, time cards and his own side-company of “videotape exchange” than to ever know what the right hand or the left hand was doing.

Now it just so happened that the Guild was touring the facility when this event occurred. This is probably how Rootin’ Tootin’ Sam and the other Wormer Bros. heard about it.

Sam arrived at the same time as Shermie and Buddy arrived.

The obnoxious riot that began was tremendous. Everyone pointed fingers at everyone else. Shermie telephoned his attorney Dinette, who was in the next room with Joffanin.

Everyone but management knew that Dinette and Joffanin were having an affair.

Dinette was unique. Some say Dinette was a bitch with a capital C. Some say Dinette was meaner than a pit-bull. Some say Dinette could out lie and out weasel the devil himself. Some Dinette had teeth between her legs (which is why Joffanin was such a dickless wonder).

Some say Dinette was just ambitious. Some say Dinette was climbing the ladder of success, but that the ladder was up against the wrong wall. Some say Dinette was just black and proud.

What is known is that Dinette wobbled when she walked. Her legs were the same size and yet she wobbled. Like all dinette tables somehow one leg was out of whack and she wobbled.

Dinette interrogated every employee except of course Joffanin. She knew that he knew what was happening. Illegal duplication was how he got all his porn.

The first employee to crack was Vlad. Vlad was an American born Latvian and although he seemed normal, he was missing some vital brain matter. Vlad was like a parrot. He would do things but could not understand why. It’s as if he wore pants because everyone else did without understanding why it was necessary to wear pants.

Vlad confessed to copying lots of movies. Since he had no way of censoring what he said he also told of how he copied porn and gave copies to Joffanin. However Vlad was not guilty of causing the Pottergate scandal. He was just a victim.

The guilty party was never really found.

The ax fell on several necks that day. Yet not one person in management suffered or was punished.

Dinette was fired a few months later.

Joffanin and Dinette broke up.

Little Sally Sunshine is living in denial and still receives disability checks after a well-deserved fourth heart attack.

Demeanian is still scrubbing his neck.

Shermie still frowns and his F.A.R.T.S. still stink.

Buddy still doesn't listen.

And the Wormer Bros. are still...well, the Wormer Bros.

And Mr. Ted smiles.

The most amazing thing of all is that Jack Rolling Rock has never heard of Pottergate.

I guess the cover-up worked—until now.

But now you know about Pottergate.

Remember boy and girls, the moral of the story is: the grass is green, the sky is blue, and never, EVER, lick too much icing off the cake. Some one might notice.

And this story is just a story.

excerpt from Chapter 19 of the funny new book
Hollywood, Car Wrecks, Ex-wives and other death-defying feats
The Absolutely True Fictionalized Autobiography of Bruce Baker

http://www.howtotrytotakeovertheworld.com/

See world leaders wearing silly hats.
See George Bush wearing the Carmen Miranda fruit hat.

Truly hilarious.

About the Author

Bruce Baker is the author of the funny new book Hollywood, Car Wrecks, Ex-wives and other death-defying feats The Absolutely True Fictionalized Autobiography of Bruce Baker. The book is available at Amazon.com and http://www.howtotrytotakeovertheworld.com. Mr. Baker is also a pop art painter. His work can be seen online at http://www.marilynmonroepopart.com. Mr. Baker has worked at several Hollywood studios.