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Handle Really Difficult Conversations: How to Talk Safely About Attitudes And Relationships

There are difficult conversations in our lives; and then there are the really difficult ones! Conversations between a manager and employee about poor performance at least have the advantages that roles are clear, and that performance can be measured and recorded. Conversations become a lot more difficult, and require a lot more skill, when you are talking about issues of respect, attitude and relationships in a team.

Consider how you would handle a conversation with a team whom you felt was not accepting you and was perhaps being discriminatory toward you.

You were recently appointed to the senior management team. Everyone has been very civil to you, they co-operate when you need information, include you in meetings and in task teams. But you cannot help noticing that in the three months you have been in the team, you have not been able to build any close working relationship with your colleagues. You never seem to be included in the general banter around the office or in casual conversations. No-one comes to hang around at your desk as they sometimes do with each other.

You have been trying not to be overly sensitive. After all, it has only been three months. However, you realize that you are the only woman in a team that has been together for many years. You also know that you do not have the length of experience or the depth of general technical background that most of the other managers have, although you are more than qualified to do your own job.

How could you approach a situation like this without seeming to over-react and perhaps make the situation worse than it is?

Dealing with this problem means first dealing with the voices in your head.

These are the voices that say: They do not like me: They will think that because I am a woman I am being emotional: They are not being fair: They should give me a chance. When you start to hear voices like these in your head, the first thing you should do is notice the data you have that supports your feelings. What exactly has happened? Who said what? Who did not include you? When and from where exactly did your feelings arise?

You may find you have made a generalisation from one instance or from one person, to include the whole group. Maybe you have exaggerated what has been happening. On the other hand, maybe you have been expecting too much, too soon. It can take some time before an established team accepts a newcomer, particularly one without their own background and experience: in other words, someone who is different. The wisest step may be to wait and notice some more. You might find that the voices go away.

At the same time you need to ask yourself if you have been part of the problem. Have you been waiting for people to approach you? Could you be more outgoing, offering friendship to others before you expect them to offer it to you? You could try to gently change your behaviour to see if others respond. All it may take is that you offer to meet people a little more than half way, to start breaking the ice.

Sometimes this is not enough to make the voices go away. Now you have to go further into considering whether you have actually been creating the problem. Have you been acting out your feelings of unacceptance? Does your eye contact or tone of voice betray you? Is there anything in your behaviour that subtly communicates your negative feelings to the group? Could their behaviour be a response to negativity in your own behaviour?

If possible ask for feedback from one of the group, perhaps someone with whom you have formed some relationship. Then use it to change your behaviour.

If none of this makes the voices in your head disappear, it is time to plan a conversation that will clear the air. Choose a safe place and time. Do not start with your feelings! Start with your observations of how the team behaves. This allows others to understand the source of your concern. Let them know that you accept your share of responsibility for becoming a full team member. Explain how you feel. Then ask if you can talk it through.

Although a conversation like this will not be easy, having it is the only sure way to clear the air so you can start to build up a good working relationship with your colleagues. Dealing with those voices in your head first, is the only way to make the conversation safe so you and the team can openly discuss any real issues that may exist between you.

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