My Secrets(vulnerabilites) are my STRENGTHS????

I spent most of my past years here (on earth) hiding my pain and my insecurities. Denying my feelings of inadequacy, working on becoming more and more confident, more bold, more fearless on the outside. All the while- inside the voices were carrying on incessantly, "you're not good enough, you'll never do it right, people won't like you, your not good enough, you'll never do it right" and on and on. I tried being positive, I tried re-programming with audios and books, I tried avoiding negative people, I tried being alone. Nothing worked!

I felt like an alien in the world. I wanted so much to be successful, to be liked, to feel free and able to express my feelings without worrying about being condemned or ostracized. It just didn't seem possible, even now seems like it's a heck of a lot easier for others to do that than me! I had some (bad) things happen to me that I was embarrassed about and even felt shame. I had some past(secrets) behaviors I wouldn't want anyone to know that I had done!

In trying to hide all this and become successful, I unknowingly squashed a lot of my beautiful Energy and Power and Passion! My insides didn't know that it was ok to be flawed..to be me, to be human. My inner critic was so harsh..& I was a bit damaged by my own perceptions and environment of choice...(notice I am taking responsibility for my own mind & choices) this is Key Step in healing and becoming powerful.

I didn't understand how or know that I had a choice to let these things out, to share them with someone else who didn't judge and ostracize me. I was too afraid to let people know what had happened to me. It still makes me cry today. I was a child victim of sexual abuse. There, it's out there for everyone to see. I'm afraid because you will think less of me or that I deserved it somehow, even though I was a baby...not yet walking...my grandfather was sexually abusing me, with my brothers being forced to watch. It was a pretty crazy upbringing, however, from the outside looking in..we looked like the perfect Irish Catholic family. My six brothers and one baby sister went to church every Sunday, we attended Sunday School, received all the Sacraments. My dad was a prominent business man in the community. There was a secret inside the house...my mom and dad didn't even know or acknowledge it. My brothers told me in later years that after we all created such a scene the last time my grandfather was going to babysit us..my mom got another sitter from across the street who would abuse my brothers upstairs while I remember feeling a reprieve and could relax downstairs. I never knew why she always took them upstairs but I was relieved that I didn't have to go. The attention was off me.

This turned into a fear of being noticed. Whenever I would get successful and start to receive recognition in my company, I would stop working and couldn't understand why. Now. I do. I am working through it slowly.... This is where perseverance pays off.

I also had a fear of people and chose friends and lovers that would abuse me in some way. Guess what? I chose team members of the same nature! Why would they leave when I needed help? Why didn't they appreciate and collaborate? Why were they so negative? How could they say such awful things about me and others when they were being helped or supported financially by these same people?

A lot of this was simply familiar dysfunction. As I am breaking through to new levels of awareness, I notice a "familiar"person early on. They say things that are mean, unnecessary and hurtful. I am so conditioned to having a comeback that I have one without even thinking. Later on, (it can be as early as five minutes after the conversation now) I will become aware that I wouldn't have said such a thing to someone who began to open up to me! This is how I know who is involved in that particular drama. the one I am getting out of!

All this has taken much work and perseverance.

Today, I feel I am worth the work and so are my dreams. God blessed me with an abundance of dreams and the ability to achieve them. I am determined to do so...for myself, my children and for future generations. Change begins with me. I am empassioned to assist others to overcome their fears or feelings of inadequacy.

I encourage you to face the deepest, darkest, most hurtful time of your past and to share it with a loving, compassionate audience beginning with yourself. There is a gift of equal or more value for you in your life and in your business when you do this. This is the paradox of growth and success. Don't just go out there and do..go out there and BE. Growth in yourself equals growth in your business.

Co-Creating Joy, Calling out Our Passion!

Love and Enlightenment to you all.

Seed Newsvine

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