The Four Communication Styles

The main reason for conflicts with our family, friends, colleagues, and team members is as “lack of communication”. Effective communication skills are essential in our lives and in the home-business industry. More often than not, the problem is a result of a communication breakdown and it is a though each individual is actually speaking their own “unique language”.

In this digitally inter-connected world, you'd think we could "fix" such basic differences. Unfortunately, it's not as easy as plugging another device into the system. Maybe they're the problem. Maybe you are. We all know difficult people - and, in fact, we can all be the difficult person.

A little background on communication styles can help us understand the issues and learn how to alter our approach to eventually make life a little easier for both parties.

The Basics--Every time we speak, we choose and use one of four basic communication styles:

1. Assertive 2. Aggressive 3. Passive

4. Passive-Aggressive

Assertive Communication
The most effective and healthiest form of communication is the assertive style. It's how we naturally express ourselves when our self-esteem is intact, giving us the confidence to communicate without games and manipulation.

When we are being assertive, we work hard to create mutually satisfying solutions. We communicate our needs clearly and forthrightly. We care about the relationship and strive for a “win/win” situation. We know our limits and refuse to be pushed beyond them just because someone else wants or needs something from us. Surprisingly, assertive is the style most people use LEAST. Isn’t this amazing?

Aggressive Communication
Aggressive communication always involves manipulation. We may attempt to make people do what we want by inducing guilt (hurt) or by using intimidation and control tactics (anger). Covert or overt, we simply want our needs met--right now! Although there are a few arenas where aggressive behavior is called for (i.e., sports or war), it will never work in a relationship. Ironically, the more aggressive sports rely heavily on team members and rational coaching strategies. Even war might be avoided if we could learn to be more assertive and negotiate to solve our problems.

Passive Communication
Passive communication is based on compliance and hopes to avoid confrontation at all costs. In this mode we don't talk much, question even less, and actually do very little. We just don't want to rock the boat. Passives have learned that it is safer not to react and better to disappear than to stand up and be noticed.

Passive-Aggressive Communication
A combination of styles, passive-aggressive avoids direct confrontation (passive), but attempts to get even through manipulation (aggressive). If you've ever thought about making that certain someone who needs to be "taught a thing or two" suffer (even just a teeny bit), you've stepped pretty close to (if not on into) the devious and sneaky world of the passive-aggressive.

So now what?
Clearly, for many reasons, the only “HEALTHY EFFECTIVE” communication style is assertive communication. Surely you can identify many people in your own life that favor each of the four styles. Most of us use a combination of these four styles depending on the person or situation. The styles we choose generally depend on what our past experiences have taught us will work best to get our needs met in each specific situation. If you take a really good look at yourself you've probably used each style throughout your lifetime in different situations with certain people.

Understanding the four basic types of communication will help you learn how to RESPOND most effectively when confronted with a difficult person. It is very important that you always use “SELF-CONTROL” and do NOT “REACT”! This is a skill learned through personal development. When we “react” to someone we have just given our power away! It will also help you recognize when you are using manipulative behavior to get your own needs met. Remember, you always have a choice as to which communication style you use. If you're serious about taking control of your life, practice being more assertive. It will help you diffuse anger, reduce guilt, and build relationships - both personally and professionally.

Take Action!
Begin to pay attention to which communication styles you use throughout the day. How often do you use a communication style other than “ASSERTIVE”? Watch and identify the communication styles some of the difficult people in your life use. Can you begin to notice how others use manipulative techniques to get their way? Learning to use effective communication will increase your success in all of your relationships.

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