Why Do Parents Of Children With Autism Feel So Guilty?

When a child is diagnosed with autism, parents develop a new vocabulary. Conversations contain words like ABA, receptive and expressive language, discrete trial training, eye contact, floor time and biomedical approaches. Parents share their joys, their fears, their strategies and their dreams. In fact, almost everything is easily discussed except one thing - THE GUILT FACTOR.

While it's proven time and again that parents are NOT responsible for their child's autism, many parents have this nagging little feeling somewhere deep inside that they are to blame. If they don't feel they caused the autism, they typically feel that their child would be doing better and progressing faster if they just put more effort into it.

One can only equate it to preparing for the Bar exam. No matter how much you study, you could always do a little more. Simple every day activities result in great emotional stress for an autism spectrum parent. It's not long before the "guilt factor" spills over into every area of life.

HOW THE GUILT FACTOR IMPEDES YOUR LIFE

Your autism spectrum child is interested in animals. In a completely "non-typical" method of conversation, your child names all the farm animals and wants you to repeat it back to him. Again and again and again! You do so and the guilt factor sets in.

"This is so inappropriate" you think to yourself. "I should take this opportunity to teach my child how to converse appropriately." But you know that if you don't comply to your child's wishes he'll have a meltdown, and you're busying making dinner, your two year old is crying because she's hungry and your eldest needs help with her homework questions. Disheartened, you continue the banter with your child, blaming yourself for not doing a better job.

The telephone rings and it's your friend. You're thoroughly enjoying the conversation but just then you notice your child repeatedly spinning the wheels on a toy truck while making a strange noise.

"I shouldn't be talking to my friend. I should be teaching my child how to play with that toy" you silently berate yourself. Then your child begins to run up and down the hall and you silently reprimand yourself. "I must get off this phone. Time is precious and I should be engaging my child." Feeling discouraged, you're torn between hanging up on your friend and redirecting your child.

When picking up your child from OT, you chat politely to the other parents. One mother mentions that her daughter has extra speech therapy. Another one talks about the social skills group she enrolled her son in. Another one declares that she just signed her child up for Karate with an aide to help him. Despair and guilt wash over you.

"These parents do so much, you think to yourself. How do they do it? Where do they find the time? I should do more. Perhaps I should have signed my child up for Karate instead of swimming." As the guilt factor sets in, you shamefully accuse yourself of being a bad parent.

It's been a long day and you're exhausted. You've been to work, dealt with tantrums, spoken to three teachers, rearranged your child's therapy schedule, cooked dinner, bathed your children, cleaned up and prompted your child through simple activities. As you plop on the couch to watch some TV, that feeling of guilt washes over you.

"I shouldn't be relaxing." You say to yourself. I should be re-writing my child's program. I should be researching new methods of treatment. I should be going over my child's IEP. But your brain can't take one more thought about autism and you guiltily sink into the couch and think "Tomorrow, I'll tackle it tomorrow."

The next time the Guilt Factor impedes your life, simply acknowledge its presence. You don't feel guilty because you're a bad parent. You feel guilty because you're an outstanding parent. You're a parent who loves your child dearly. You're a parent who is so committed to helping your child learn that you feel bad taking time for yourself. Your hard work, dedication, energy and eternal giving are unbeknown to most and recognized by few. I acknowledge you and say "Well done! I know how committed you are and what it takes. You are an exceptional parent and I recognize your greatness!"

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