Is Grandma Really a Monster-Inlaw?

Isn't she eating solids yet?

I never put anything out of reach. I just smacked mine and they soon learnt not to touch!

Jelly beans won't hurt. Goodness, you can buy them in the chemist, they must be ok.

It is easy to take offence when you are confronted about your parenting choices, especially when criticism comes from your own mother or mother-in-law. But could you be over-reacting or perhaps just a little oversensitive? Is Grandma really going out of her way to needle you or could she actually be trying to impart some well-meant (although misguided) information?

Family Values

You may have heard a million jokes about mother-in-laws, but when it comes to dealing with your own, up close and personal, especially when you become a parent, it is not easy to see the funny side. Unfortunately, we can't choose our in-laws. They come as part of the package along with the person we fall in love with. And, here lies the root cause of most problems: the difference in upbringing between ourselves and our partners. Each family has its own values and traditions as well as ways of behaving as a family:some families talk to each other every day, while others go weeks between phone calls; one family might tell each other everything, while another may have clear boundaries about what issues are private, even between family members; some families will be outspoken and not at all backwards about offering advice while others may express disapproval in more subtle, but none-the-less intrusive ways.

Take a Chill Pill

To deal more calmly with interference, whether it is about how you are bringing up baby or how you divide your housekeeping duties now you have children, it can help to try and see the other person's perspective. If your mother-in-law seems all too ready to undermine you, it may be a sign that she needs to increase her own self-worth, albeit at your expense. After all, she brought up the partner you love and have a child with so she probably feels some credit is due. At some level, your mother-in-law may be feeling that she has to compete with you for her own child's love and respect (that is, your partner); your different parenting style may be a threat to the way she brought up your partner (or you, if it is your own mother who is being critical).

On the other hand, Grandma may be genuinely trying to make things easier by sharing her hard-earned knowledge or she may simply want to be more involved with her grandchild.

Ultimately, the issue here is not who wins, but encouraging a positive relationship between your child and their grandparents. So when you disagree with in-laws (your parents or your partner's parents), it is worth remembering the old adage, 'you catch more flies with honey than vinegar.' Because your relationship with your child's grandparents will be an ongoing one, it is important to try and find some common ground. Try asking for Grandma's opinion on a fairly neutral topic or invite her to be more involved and give her positive feedback. For instance, 'would you like to give him his bath?' Or, 'he loves it when you take him to feed the ducks?'

If you are confronted by unwanted advice, no matter how well-meaning, you can either tell her honestly, but politely, that you feel undermined by her advice or you can simply stay calm: take a deep breath and respond,'this works well for us,'or (baby's name) feels happy when we do(whatever you are doing that she is advising against). Another option is to thank Grandma for her tips and say, enthusiastically, 'I will remember that.' Then choose what information suits you and your little one and discard the rest.

You might also like to share some up to date information with your mother-in-law (or mother) by commenting enthusiastically about a new book you have discovered or perhaps some written information or research that reinforces what you are doing. It will work better to do this pro-actively before she bombards you with out of date information, so she isn't put in a situation where she feels defensive.

If all else fails, you can deflect unwanted advice by bringing in the big guns: 'our Lactation Consultant/ Doctor/ Plunket nurse says ...'

A United Front

If your partner starts to side with his mother against you, it is only natural that you want to cut the apron strings between them with a very sharp pair of scissors! But again, the best advice is to remain calm: enlist your partner's support by telling him how you feel without becoming angry or putting him in a situation that makes him feel he must choose between you and his mother. It is also important to tell your man how much you value his parenting efforts (You are a great Dad! I love the way you..), then help him see how vulnerable this criticism makes you feel and how much you need his support so you can be a confident, competent mother.

It can be difficult to stand up to your parents, but if you and your partner can agree on what really matters and you can support each other, you are more likely to succeed in setting boundaries. Sit down together and make a list of what bothers you about each other's families and decide which issues are worth standing firm on. What you feed your baby or how you choose to discipline your child may be priorities that you won't compromise, for instance. But if your mother-in-law wants to iron your husband's shirts properly or complains about how you mow the lawns (or don't), perhaps you could let this one go or share it as a mother-in-law joke. After all you, your partner and child(ren) are a family now, and it is time to establish your own values and traditions.

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