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The Plain Truth About Lying Kids

Tags: parenting, children, teens, lying, lie, lies, liar, honesty, honest, dishonesty, truth, trust, cheat

"I'm sorry, father, I cannot tell a lie." This familiar quotation perhaps tells us more about our own desires than the reality of daily life. Why? Because ALL kids lie. Lying is as common to childhood as skinned knees and sibling rivalry. To be sure, some children lie more dramatically, or more frequently, than others. Yet we all lied - at least occasionally - as children.

When we catch a child or adolescent lying, strong feelings may be triggered in us. We usually feel insulted that someone we love would try to deceive us. We might also feel concern for a child 's moral development: "Is my child a dishonest person?" "What will people think of my child if s/he is perceived to be a liar?" And some deceptions lead to anxiety about safety, such as "Where were you really last night?"

Behind all of the emotions we might express about being deceived is the dread that trust is being eroded. Trust is the invisible twine that ties our lives together, providing a sense of safety and reassurance. Trust enables love and respect. When our child lies to us, the pain can be intense.

Let 's Talk About Five Common Kinds of Lies:

1. Impulse Lying

Perhaps the most common type of lie is one propelled by a momentary impulse. For example, a child may make a claim that 's not true, often contradicting the obvious: "I already did my homework" (despite unopened bookbag). "Why don't you believe I'm the fastest kid in my class?" (said by a child who just lost a race). "Yeah, well I have a dog too. Uh...I have 20 dogs!"

Impulse lies emerge without warning, usually in response to an emotionally charged situation, such as a child being asked to do something he really doesn't want to do. Impulse lies also grow from a need to compensate for perceived weaknesses or personal failings. Impulse lies are often a quick attempt to maintain control, assert dominance, or establish credibility. Sometimes, smaller lies lead to bigger lies as the "cover up" becomes more complex. Teenagers trying to impress often fall victim to such grandiose deceptions. "I could've bought any guitar I wanted, but I chose to shop at Discount-Mart so I can use the rest of my money for a world tour, which I'll be doing as soon as I learn to play."

Naturally, status and credibility are undermined by impulse lying, but at the moment an impulse lie occurs, there is a peak in anxiety that blocks this insight from conscious awareness.

From a parent 's or teacher 's perspective, impulse lying is primarily a nuisance. We adults might wonder if we should address every fabrication. For peers of the liar, however, the situation is different. Remember that other children are less forgiving, because they don't appreciate the emotional reasons that lead to a lie the way an adult might. In such cases, we intervene because of its potential effect on a child 's social and emotional development. More details about impulsive kids are in my book, "No Mind Left Behind-Understanding and Fostering Executive Control: The Eight Essential Brain Skills Every Child Needs to Thrive."

2. The "Honorable" Lie

Most people feel that two forms of dishonesty are occasionally acceptable: the "white lie" to protect someone 's feelings, "I'm sure nobody even noticed that hole in your pants," and the lie to preserve someone 's safety-- "we don't know where your ex-wife is hiding." Many children and teens expand the "code of honorable lying;" generally on behalf of a friend or loved one. In clinical practice, we often see this in cases of divorce, where a child will lie for fear of alienating a parent and losing contact. In these cases, the desire for the love of the parent being "protected" by the lie is stronger than the fear of consequences.

In middle and high school, there 's powerful peer pressure not to "sell out" to adults. Otherwise good kids may lie when directly questioned about peers, because of the potentially enormous social consequences of being labeled the "snitch."

3. Lying to Avoid Shame

One of the most powerful incentives to lie is the preservation of status. When kids are ashamed about a poor choice or action, the natural instinct is to go into "damage control" mode. "How can I preserve my status?" How can I minimize what I've done?" "How can I avoid the awful feelings of vulnerability associated with being discovered?"

From one perspective, shame is a valuable component of a child 's emotional repertoire. Why? The prospect of shame prevents many bad decisions. In the best scenario, shame is like an emotional barometer, helping us to sense a build-up of internal pressure, guiding us like a moral compass in the right direction.

As adults, sometimes we can identify with a child 's shame. Parents can find it hard to confront a child about a lie, if they've sought to deceive others in similar situations. For example, if my son vaguely assures me he did his homework, my response to the doubt I feel might be complicated by my own guilt about failing to get to my stack of overdue paperwork! It 's actually a healthy sign of empathy when we bring this type of compassion into our relationships with kids. It 's not that this awareness should stop us from dealing with the issue, so much as it shapes how we approach the matter. "If some of your homework is done -great! But I'd like to check it out when it is completely done," is better than, "If you're saying it 's done, I want to see it right now."

Remember that when we ask children to remove masks or the tools of concealment, we leave them feeling vulnerable. In Boys of Few Words, I advise parents to take their time in disarming boys this way. This is because feelings of vulnerability can be so strong that they spur behavior worse than the concealment. Where sexual behavior is concerned, caution is especially warranted. Think of an adolescent boy found looking at pornography, or whose mother 's underwear is found in his room. Kids do not have good answers for the "whys" of these behaviors. It 's usually best to establish a sense of reassurance first, then talk.

4. Lying to Meet an Immediate Need for Gratification

Have you ever wanted something so badly - a thing or an experience - that you would do almost anything to have it? If so, you know a bit about deception for the sake of immediate gratification. This type of lie pits the surging need for reward and pleasure against the virtue of personal integrity. Results can be a minor as "exactly how many cookies did you eat?", or as serious as, "You can't "borrow" my car before you have a license!"

Sometimes, the intense desire for gratification is less about the item sought than the momentary high of getting the item. In such cases, the underlying emotional needs of the compulsion should be addressed. Highly kinesthetic kids often have a hard time passing up an opportunity for adrenaline- pounding challenges: diving into a quarry, crossing an open train trestle, or even experimenting with the sensations of drugs.

Helping kids prone to lying for the sake of immediate gratification should focus on teaching them to put the brakes on strong needs. In some cases, rather than trying to convince them they don't really need something, we can help them form a realistic time-frame. ("You can use some allowance for baseball cards each week, but birthday money goes into the bank.") You can agree that desires are a natural part of life and call for some strategic problem-solving or acceptable compromises.

5. Half-truths, Lies of Omission, and Subterfuge

This last category of lies can be the hardest to detect and respond to. That 's because these lies may include a partial truth ("I didn't say that word!" meaning "I didn't say that exact word at the exact moment you think I said it.") Other times, kids leave out important details-- lies of omission. Consider Tim 's statement, "I tried as hard as I could to keep Zoe quiet." One might never guess that Tim sought to do this by letting baby Zoe eat a whole box of chocolates.

Some teenagers have a grand ability to orchestrate mass confusion; confusion so thick that an adult can't reliably assign responsibility for a particular wrongdoing. "It was mostly my idea not to avoid doing something that was partly right - at least that 's my intention in some situations." Hmmm.

We are rightly concerned when there 's a high degree of obfuscation. This kind of "verbal smokescreen" may indicate nothing more than a wish for autonomy and privacy-"you don't need to know everything about my life." But sometimes dishonesty hides a more concerning behavior. Lies and deception are the partners of drug and alcohol abuse. When teenagers start down this slippery slope, they quickly become experts in reading whether we "buy" the deception. When they discover an approach that works, they will likely use it often.

Last, there are also times when a child lies to get credit for something she knows was right, but didn't actually do. For example, "Did you help for your brother?" gets a "yes" response, when in reality the child thought about helping her brother, knew it was the right thing to do, but didn't act on that principle. In such cases, kids still want "credit" for knowing what is right, and may embellish their role. (This is common in young children who seek to impress their parents. Very young children have powerful imaginations and don't make such clear distinctions between thoughts and actions. In such cases, it 's better to provide clarification-"maybe you wished you had walked the dog" - than punishment.)

Okay, Let 's Review

So what 's our best defense? Detail, detail, detail. Ever notice how television detectives make suspects repeat a story multiple times? Fabricated stories tend to be inconsistent (or conversely, too perfect), often falling apart as they are recounted. We certainly don't want to become interrogators, but it 's okay to insist on sufficient detail. Experience with an individual child should dictate your approach, but there 's nothing wrong with the "trust, but verify" school of parenting. If we begin this approach early in a child 's life, it prepares them for a relationship of accountability - perhaps the most valuable factor in building trust.

Some suggestions to address and prevent lying:

-When no lying has recently taken place, sit down with your child and explain your views on lying. Ideally, primary caretakers should do this together, making sure your child sees that you all agree about this important issue. Say that when you suspect s/he is lying, you will ask for proof-and that there will be a consequence for dishonesty.

-Develop a nonverbal signal you can send your child when you want to let him or her know your doubts in a public place. Things usually get worse if we embarrass kids, as they feel a stronger need to compensate for increased feelings of vulnerability. Nonverbal signaling allows you to be "on the job" wherever you are, and control lying that may spiral if not stopped.

-Help your child develop a special expertise. Building children 's knowledge gives them authentic opportunities for mastery and confidence. As children develop their skills, invite contributions where their knowledge will help them shine.

-Spend time helping your child consider the merits of honesty and genuine expertise vs. the anxiety inherent in lying.

There is a difference between lying and becoming a liar. While the former is inevitable, the latter is not. Although all types of deception should be taken seriously, consider your child 's motivation as you frame your response. While we don't have to accept lying, every unwanted behavior requires understanding.

And if we can remember our own childhood lies, and the motivations behind them, we can find our way beyond indignation to more collaborative problem-solving. Trust me.

Seed Newsvine

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<h1>The Plain Truth About Lying Kids</h1><br />by Adam Cox<br />"I'm sorry, father, I cannot tell a lie." This familiar quotation perhaps tells us more about our own desires than the reality of daily life. Why? Because ALL kids lie. Lying is as common to childhood as skinned knees and sibling rivalry. To be sure, some children lie more dramatically, or more frequently, than others. Yet we all lied - at least occasionally - as children.<br /><br />When we catch a child or adolescent lying, strong feelings may be triggered in us. We usually feel insulted that someone we love would try to deceive us. We might also feel concern for a child 's moral development: "Is my child a dishonest person?" "What will people think of my child if s/he is perceived to be a liar?" And some deceptions lead to anxiety about safety, such as "Where were you really last night?"<br /><br />Behind all of the emotions we might express about being deceived is the dread that trust is being eroded. Trust is the invisible twine that ties our lives together, providing a sense of safety and reassurance. Trust enables love and respect. When our child lies to us, the pain can be intense.<br /><br />Let 's Talk About Five Common Kinds of Lies:<br /><br />1. Impulse Lying<br /><br />Perhaps the most common type of lie is one propelled by a momentary impulse. For example, a child may make a claim that 's not true, often contradicting the obvious: "I already did my homework" (despite unopened bookbag). "Why don't you believe I'm the fastest kid in my class?" (said by a child who just lost a race). "Yeah, well I have a dog too. Uh...I have 20 dogs!"<br /><br />Impulse lies emerge without warning, usually in response to an emotionally charged situation, such as a child being asked to do something he really doesn't want to do. Impulse lies also grow from a need to compensate for perceived weaknesses or personal failings. Impulse lies are often a quick attempt to maintain control, assert dominance, or establish credibility. Sometimes, smaller lies lead to bigger lies as the "cover up" becomes more complex. Teenagers trying to impress often fall victim to such grandiose deceptions. "I could've bought any guitar I wanted, but I chose to shop at Discount-Mart so I can use the rest of my money for a world tour, which I'll be doing as soon as I learn to play."<br /><br />Naturally, status and credibility are undermined by impulse lying, but at the moment an impulse lie occurs, there is a peak in anxiety that blocks this insight from conscious awareness.<br /><br />From a parent 's or teacher 's perspective, impulse lying is primarily a nuisance. We adults might wonder if we should address every fabrication. For peers of the liar, however, the situation is different. Remember that other children are less forgiving, because they don't appreciate the emotional reasons that lead to a lie the way an adult might. In such cases, we intervene because of its potential effect on a child 's social and emotional development. More details about impulsive kids are in my book, "No Mind Left Behind-Understanding and Fostering Executive Control: The Eight Essential Brain Skills Every Child Needs to Thrive."<br /><br />2. The "Honorable" Lie<br /><br />Most people feel that two forms of dishonesty are occasionally acceptable: the "white lie" to protect someone 's feelings, "I'm sure nobody even noticed that hole in your pants," and the lie to preserve someone 's safety-- "we don't know where your ex-wife is hiding." Many children and teens expand the "code of honorable lying;" generally on behalf of a friend or loved one. In clinical practice, we often see this in cases of divorce, where a child will lie for fear of alienating a parent and losing contact. In these cases, the desire for the love of the parent being "protected" by the lie is stronger than the fear of consequences.<br /><br />In middle and high school, there 's powerful peer pressure not to "sell out" to adults. Otherwise good kids may lie when directly questioned about peers, because of the potentially enormous social consequences of being labeled the "snitch."<br /><br />3. Lying to Avoid Shame<br /><br />One of the most powerful incentives to lie is the preservation of status. When kids are ashamed about a poor choice or action, the natural instinct is to go into "damage control" mode. "How can I preserve my status?" How can I minimize what I've done?" "How can I avoid the awful feelings of vulnerability associated with being discovered?"<br /><br />From one perspective, shame is a valuable component of a child 's emotional repertoire. Why? The prospect of shame prevents many bad decisions. In the best scenario, shame is like an emotional barometer, helping us to sense a build-up of internal pressure, guiding us like a moral compass in the right direction.<br /><br />As adults, sometimes we can identify with a child 's shame. Parents can find it hard to confront a child about a lie, if they've sought to deceive others in similar situations. For example, if my son vaguely assures me he did his homework, my response to the doubt I feel might be complicated by my own guilt about failing to get to my stack of overdue paperwork! It 's actually a healthy sign of empathy when we bring this type of compassion into our relationships with kids. It 's not that this awareness should stop us from dealing with the issue, so much as it shapes how we approach the matter. "If some of your homework is done -great! But I'd like to check it out when it is completely done," is better than, "If you're saying it 's done, I want to see it right now."<br /><br />Remember that when we ask children to remove masks or the tools of concealment, we leave them feeling vulnerable. In Boys of Few Words, I advise parents to take their time in disarming boys this way. This is because feelings of vulnerability can be so strong that they spur behavior worse than the concealment. Where sexual behavior is concerned, caution is especially warranted. Think of an adolescent boy found looking at pornography, or whose mother 's underwear is found in his room. Kids do not have good answers for the "whys" of these behaviors. It 's usually best to establish a sense of reassurance first, then talk.<br /><br />4. Lying to Meet an Immediate Need for Gratification<br /><br />Have you ever wanted something so badly - a thing or an experience - that you would do almost anything to have it? If so, you know a bit about deception for the sake of immediate gratification. This type of lie pits the surging need for reward and pleasure against the virtue of personal integrity. Results can be a minor as "exactly how many cookies did you eat?", or as serious as, "You can't "borrow" my car before you have a license!"<br /><br />Sometimes, the intense desire for gratification is less about the item sought than the momentary high of getting the item. In such cases, the underlying emotional needs of the compulsion should be addressed. Highly kinesthetic kids often have a hard time passing up an opportunity for adrenaline- pounding challenges: diving into a quarry, crossing an open train trestle, or even experimenting with the sensations of drugs.<br /><br />Helping kids prone to lying for the sake of immediate gratification should focus on teaching them to put the brakes on strong needs. In some cases, rather than trying to convince them they don't really need something, we can help them form a realistic time-frame. ("You can use some allowance for baseball cards each week, but birthday money goes into the bank.") You can agree that desires are a natural part of life and call for some strategic problem-solving or acceptable compromises.<br /><br />5. Half-truths, Lies of Omission, and Subterfuge<br /><br />This last category of lies can be the hardest to detect and respond to. That 's because these lies may include a partial truth ("I didn't say that word!" meaning "I didn't say that exact word at the exact moment you think I said it.") Other times, kids leave out important details-- lies of omission. Consider Tim 's statement, "I tried as hard as I could to keep Zoe quiet." One might never guess that Tim sought to do this by letting baby Zoe eat a whole box of chocolates.<br /><br />Some teenagers have a grand ability to orchestrate mass confusion; confusion so thick that an adult can't reliably assign responsibility for a particular wrongdoing. "It was mostly my idea not to avoid doing something that was partly right - at least that 's my intention in some situations." Hmmm.<br /><br />We are rightly concerned when there 's a high degree of obfuscation. This kind of "verbal smokescreen" may indicate nothing more than a wish for autonomy and privacy-"you don't need to know everything about my life." But sometimes dishonesty hides a more concerning behavior. Lies and deception are the partners of drug and alcohol abuse. When teenagers start down this slippery slope, they quickly become experts in reading whether we "buy" the deception. When they discover an approach that works, they will likely use it often.<br /><br />Last, there are also times when a child lies to get credit for something she knows was right, but didn't actually do. For example, "Did you help for your brother?" gets a "yes" response, when in reality the child thought about helping her brother, knew it was the right thing to do, but didn't act on that principle. In such cases, kids still want "credit" for knowing what is right, and may embellish their role. (This is common in young children who seek to impress their parents. Very young children have powerful imaginations and don't make such clear distinctions between thoughts and actions. In such cases, it 's better to provide clarification-"maybe you wished you had walked the dog" - than punishment.)<br /><br />Okay, Let 's Review<br /><br />So what 's our best defense? Detail, detail, detail. Ever notice how television detectives make suspects repeat a story multiple times? Fabricated stories tend to be inconsistent (or conversely, too perfect), often falling apart as they are recounted. We certainly don't want to become interrogators, but it 's okay to insist on sufficient detail. Experience with an individual child should dictate your approach, but there 's nothing wrong with the "trust, but verify" school of parenting. If we begin this approach early in a child 's life, it prepares them for a relationship of accountability - perhaps the most valuable factor in building trust.<br /><br />Some suggestions to address and prevent lying:<br /><br />-When no lying has recently taken place, sit down with your child and explain your views on lying. Ideally, primary caretakers should do this together, making sure your child sees that you all agree about this important issue. Say that when you suspect s/he is lying, you will ask for proof-and that there will be a consequence for dishonesty.<br /><br />-Develop a nonverbal signal you can send your child when you want to let him or her know your doubts in a public place. Things usually get worse if we embarrass kids, as they feel a stronger need to compensate for increased feelings of vulnerability. Nonverbal signaling allows you to be "on the job" wherever you are, and control lying that may spiral if not stopped.<br /><br />-Help your child develop a special expertise. Building children 's knowledge gives them authentic opportunities for mastery and confidence. As children develop their skills, invite contributions where their knowledge will help them shine.<br /><br />-Spend time helping your child consider the merits of honesty and genuine expertise vs. the anxiety inherent in lying.<br /><br />There is a difference between lying and becoming a liar. While the former is inevitable, the latter is not. Although all types of deception should be taken seriously, consider your child 's motivation as you frame your response. While we don't have to accept lying, every unwanted behavior requires understanding.<br /><br />And if we can remember our own childhood lies, and the motivations behind them, we can find our way beyond indignation to more collaborative problem-solving. Trust me.<br /><h2>About the Author</h2><p>Adam Cox, PhD is author of "Boys of Few Words: Raising Our Sons to Communicate &amp; Connect (Guilford) &amp; "No Mind Left Behind-Understanding and Fostering Executive Control: The Eight Essential Brain Skills Every Child Needs to Thrive" (Penguin). For more parenting tips visit <a href="http://www.dradamcox.com" title="http://www.dradamcox.com" target="_blank">http://www.dradamcox.com</a></p> <br /><h3><a href="http://www.content4reprint.com/family/the-plain-truth-about-lying-kids.htm" title="The Plain Truth About Lying Kids">Article Source:</a> <a href="http://www.content4reprint.com" title="Free high quality articles">Content for Reprint</a></h3>