A Highland Wedding Proposal

I'm off to see my girlfriend today. Morag McTavish is the light of my life and anything her little heart desires, she gets. In the past I've brought her a new collar studded with pink rhinestones, a new bone china drinking bowl and a coat of fox fur.

I've taken Morag for long, romantic walks up on the hills, we've been for fun nights out on the town laughing at the drunk humans and, when her owners have allowed me indoors, we've even snuggled up in front of the fire together.

We're on the eve of Morag's birthday and she has requested a trip into our favourite part of the Scottish countryside. We'll be able to go for long walks in the heather fields, maybe do a spot of rabbit hunting and then cuddle up in the evening in the cottage that belongs to my owners friends.

I have plans for this birthday far surpassing rabbit hunting. I intend to ask Morag to marry me. I want to do this properly so, instead of going away with our owners, I have hired a car and will be taking her myself.

Car hire in Scotland is easily obtainable due to the sometimes difficult terrain that people don't like walking - wimps! Mind you, some of the most beautiful scenery takes some getting to and even the short little legs of us Scottie dogs can struggle at times.

I have prepared as much as possible for this event but my owners are not very understanding. Spring has come early this year along with the ear mites. Believing they were doing the best thing for me, my owners have rid me of ear mites with the age old method of garlic cloves steeped in oil overnight. The oil then being dropped into my ears the following day.

Great, no mites, I just stink of garlic - just what you need travelling around in the confined spaces of a hired car. To combat this, I've stopped off on the way to the car hire company and rolled in some fox urine. That'll get Morag going!

Anyway, I've wolfed down the breath freshening biscuits, packed up our tartan blanket, visited car hire Scotland and I'm on my way to pick up Morag.

The excitement and anticipation is getting to me. What if she turns me down? What if she says yes? It's all getting too much and I'm starting to drool. One thing Morag hates about me is my drooling and I need to stop it before I get to hers.

I've brought my emergency supply and retrieve it from the back of my hire car. Oil of cloves on a sugar cube stops drooling within minutes. It tastes repulsive and gives me hiccups but it's better than drool.

I pick up Morag on time and she is impressed with my choice from the car hire company. Plenty of room in the back, if you know what I mean! Just as well, when you consider the amount of luggage accompanying her. Does she not understand that we are dogs? There are only so many fur coats one dog needs. It seems she is out to impress to so the outlook for my proposal is good.

We arrive at the cottage, unpack our hire car and gratefully relax in front of the fire for a while. However, anxiety is beginning to get the better of me and I need this proposal out of the way to know where I stand.

After a rest, I convince Morag to come for our first excursion into the heather fields.

Along with the mites, the early spring has awoken all sorts of insects and the heather fields are live with bees and wasps. What is wrong with this female that she insists on playing with the wasps? How many times do I have to tell her I am allergic? Morag is dancing around attracting these wasps to us and it's driving me crazy.

When I ask her to stop and come and sit by me she's unable to sit still. I try to find out what is wrong and get snapped at. It turns out Morag has fleas! Something, she tells me, she is very susceptible to.

Apparently, she wasn't trying to attract the wasps, she was trying to scratch her flea bites. How disgusting. If there's one thing I cannot live with, it's fleas.

I decide against the proposal, get her back into the hire car and drop her off at the nearest vets on the way home. A lucky escape for me.

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