You Know What Really Grinds My Gears... About Christmas

Fans of hit animation Family Guy will be familiar with Peter's news-time regular 'You Know What Really Grinds My Gears?'

Inspired by this hilarious diatribe on pet hates, and with the festive season well and truly upon us, I felt it necessary to share details of what really grinds my gears about Christmas. Don't get me wrong, Christmas as a whole is my favourite time of year. However, there are still a number of issues that ruin the holiday season.

1. Christmas specials. Year in year out, we are 'treated' by television executives to a Yuletide edition of a network favourite. Unfortunately, many of these network 'favourites' are nothing of the sort. If I had the option of gouging out my own eyes or watching an episode of 'My Family' or 'Not Going Out', I would be embedding my fingers into my eye sockets quicker than Santa can wolf down a mince pie.

These shows are pitiful attempts at comedy that are only worsened by putting a festive slant on the dross that is the storyline. And don't even get me started on the reruns of so-called classics such as Morecombe and Wise. They're dead. The 'funnier' one has been for ages. Comedy has moved on and no-one is laughing anymore.

2. Shopping. The actual act of Christmas shopping is not necessarily bad. In fact, I love scouting around town looking for the perfect - or amusing - gift to hand out on Christmas Day. It's the fact you're surrounding by people that ruins the experience. Push-chairs overloaded with gifts, men trudging around with arms stretched by hundreds of bags. Nobody is having fun. Just buy everything online.

3. 'Sob' stories. Of course, this is not aimed at those who truly face adversity and experience an unhappy Christmas. Instead, it is those pikey families who look for a freebie from the good natured people of the land. What's that? Someone's stolen all your presents but nothing else from the home? Instead of taking items they could see had value, they thought they'd add a bit of mystery to the theft and simply steal items that have been wrapped up and as such are an unknown quantity? Yes, we'll get the whole police force onto that case right away. We'll start by looking in your loft if that's ok?

4. Visiting people. I understand that Christmas is a time for family and people want to see their loved ones throughout the course of the day. But how come I'm always the one driving all around the houses? Why is it that nobody ever appears to come to see us at our house? I'll tell you. It's because they're only interested in receiving their gifts. If you give them a rubbish gift, it's not so bad as they've not had to do anything. If it's a good gift, all the better. Basically, they don't want to run the risk of getting a rubbish gift and spending money on petrol. For shame, Britain, for shame.

5. Rubbish gifts. And speaking of rubbish gifts, people who give pointless ornaments, candles and other such 'trinkets' should just not bother. Homes up and down the land are becoming an eyesore as shelf space is being littered with kitsch junk. I urge anyone who receives any such item to throw it straight in the bin, preferably in front of the person who gave it to you. It's the only way they'll learn.

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