Minding Your P's and Q's: Correct Shower Etiquette

One of the most exciting parties in a prospective Auntie or Grand mama's social repertoire is the baby shower. Traditionally given by a sister, mother or close female friend of the mother-to-be, modern baby showers can be planned by anyone close to the prospective parents.

It is best to involve as many dear friends and fond relatives as possible, given that the baby shower can be a stressful affair to run. By delegating tasks on a basis of availability, time and talent, it is possible not only to minimize the stress, but even to reduce the cost of such a happy, albeit complicated occasion.

The Hostess or Host?

In days gone by, baby showers tended to be held almost exclusively by and for women. Prospective fathers and uncles disappeared to go do whatever gentlemen did back then while the ladies gathered around the mommy-to-be and essentially re-enacted the hen parties that took place before the couple was married, albeit with a different theme. (Given that the sentimental 'hen party' is the former female equivalent of the raunchy 'bachelor party' custom, I will leave to the gentle readers' imagination what the gentlemen got up to during baby showers. There was probably an element of 'you did it, Jim!' by which ladies of any day would not be amused.)

Today, however, it would be very strange indeed for the attendants of a bachelorette party to swap lingerie for pastels and hold a girls-only bash for a prospective mum. Our century is one in which stay-at-home dads, working mommies and even unconventional family arrangements are remarkably commonplace. It is all very well to hark back to the originators of American social customs like the baby shower (the Victorians, in case you were wondering,) but Etiquette is nothing if not adaptable to life's changing realities.

Ladies whose closest and dearest friends happen to be gentlemen who agonized over where their bridesmaids would come from need not have worried any more than they should feel awkward if said gentlemen elect to throw her a baby shower. Just because the Victorians never imagined a society in which ladies and gentlemen could be friends does not mean that Etiquette, whose sacred purpose is to make people happy, would have any objection to an 'unconventional' baby shower.

It's a celebration of a new baby, after all. Why should Etiquette care who picks out the stork napkins and orders the pink-and-blue cake? The baby's florist uncle and future godfather might do just as good a job as the caterer Auntie and future godmother. In fact, Etiquette and this writer think the best results would be achieved if the aunts, uncles and friends teamed up.

The Unconventional and the Unexpected

One example of an 'unconventional' baby shower that came over quite beautifully was the one thrown for a baby girl I shall call 'Chloe.' Her mother had been blessed with a daughter some fourteen years' previously during a marriage that dissolved into amiable friendship, and due to some great luck, her new husband got along beautifully with his stepdaughter. Delighted at the prospect of a sister (no 'half's' for this girl!) the teenager (whom I shall call 'Sarah,') promptly rallied her mum's best friends, her stepmother and brand-new step-grandmother, and her entire junior-varsity cheerleading squad to plan the baby shower. It was a lovely affair with lady, gentleman and even child guests. (Sarah had fond memories of attending showers for her own small cousins, now old enough to take an interest in a new baby themselves, and simply put cheerleaders in charge of the smallest kids.)

The event was also in no way marred by the fact that little Chloe arrived rather prematurely and was shown to the shower's guests in a video taken by her proud parents at the hospital ICU.

Several things can be taken from the example of little Chloe's baby shower. First, it is that anything can, and usually will, go wrong. Even the most perfectly planned party, two months before the due date, invitations all sent out and all arrangements made, can go amiss in startling ways.

The best hostess must simply learn to stay calm and think of problems as the funny anecdotes they will be when the baby is old enough to hear them. An absent-minded uncle ordering blue cake for parents expecting a baby girl might strike one as disastrous, but I've always loved the story of how my Aunt promptly added gold frosting and turned a 'mistake cake' into one celebrating the incipient arrival of a 'new Mountaineer,' referring to my parents' college colors and mascot. Mistakes can always be turned into blessings and if you don't believe me, consider how many baby showers each year are planned on short notice.

The unconventional or expanding family can also be a source of joy. Many people don't think it's proper or necessary to hold showers for second or third babies, but there are some occasions when it's appropriate. Sarah's hosting the shower for her new sister was one such example her mother had long since handed down Sarah's baby things to the small cousins, and Chloe was her father's first child.

Planning a shower for a second or third baby can also have the unexpected benefit of preparing a first baby to be a big sister or brother. The necessity of 'showering' the mommy-to-be with baby equipment is less dire, given that she already has most things from Baby #1, and as such it is often a delightful idea to have a small party with cake and some presents not only for the new baby, but for the big brother or sister.

There are several excellent children's books that tell about what it's like to have a new baby brother or sister, to say nothing of movies and 'I'm the Big Sister' shirts. The best gift for a soon-to-be-sibling under the age of six, I think, is a baby doll. (Big brothers can benefit from this, too.) A nervous child immediately calms down upon being given his or her own baby on which to 'practice,' and the loss of attention when Mommy is taking care of Baby Sister is easily offset with praise for how well Big Brother looks after his baby.

A child that would otherwise feel left out and passed-over in favor of the new arrival is instead eager to imitate what Mommy and Daddy do with the new baby, and proud when he is trusted to help out instead of put-upon.

It is also not unheard-of to provide a savory bone, chew toy or catnip mouse for, shall we say, 'unconventional older siblings' who might otherwise be jealous of the new baby. One new father chose to wrap one leg of his daughter's crib with sisal twine, thus providing a lovely new scratching post for her 'big brother,' Mittens.

Even for a first baby, however, the importance of scheduling a shower in plenty of time cannot be overstressed. Premature delivery is only one of the snags that can arise between Baby's shower and planned birthday, and a prepared Auntie or Uncle should be ready to help out with all of them. If the baby arrives too soon, new parents would probably appreciate would-be shower guests taking baby things to their house and perhaps setting up a bit. Though premature babies often have a hospital stay during which this can be done, parents of preemies are usually exhausted, worried and in no mood to spend time shopping or assembling cribs.

It is not uncommon for a shower to take place as scheduled, even though the baby arrived early, but the final veto power stays with the new parents. It doesn't matter how many hours you spent booking the room, decorating and inviting relatives if the new parents are too tired or need to be at the hospital, the party takes a backseat to the baby's needs and the parents' wishes.

You can always throw a party to welcome the baby a month later if need be and if you and the other guests just have to eat the first cake or batch of fried chicken, at least you have something ready to take to the hospital. (For some reason, new fathers can be particularly ravenous after a sudden birth. They may not realize it until you wave a piece of cake near their nose, but they're usually hungry. And new mothers are even worse.)

The Guest List and Where They Go

Assuming Mother Nature doesn't take a hand in lousing up shower scheduling, another important question is whom to invite. Depending on whether you're hosting a sentimental women-only shower, a couples' event where the new parents are feted both by experienced professionals and nervous-looking friends who may be getting their own shower any year now, or the big family version where the new parents can see exactly what they're in for in five years' time (my personal favorite,) you may want to adjust the size and venue to suit the people invited.

A shower including just the new mother's friends could be held in a favorite restaurant or at one of the ladies' homes. (In the case of one new mother with severe food cravings, we held the shower at the local Chinese place with much success.) Another fine way to hold a ladies-only fete is to obtain the new mother's permission to hold it at her house, set up some barbecue in the back yard for the husbands, and then set said gentlemen to work assembling the crib, changing table and other assorted baby furniture while the ladies coo over blankies and booties.

New fathers who have been spending more time with a morning-sick wife and anxious mother-in-law than their guy friends might appreciate a build-for-the-baby barn raising just as much as the ladies love a girls-only tea party.

For a couples' event, a restaurant or home might be appropriate, but you might just find a bigger space at your church, temple or country club. If children are not invited, you may wish to hire a responsible teenager or two and offer a separate room for those parents who would otherwise be hard put to find a sitter. (Holding the shower at a church or temple that already has a designated playroom with toys for kids has this advantage.)

It may also prove economical to pool sitters, depositing all the children at one house with two or three of the local high school's finest. (Pay your babysitters well after choosing them carefully. Their phone numbers may be the best present the new parents could possibly receive.)

There is a reason, however, why many new parents appreciate a whole-family baby shower, no matter where it's held. Just as Etiquette argues for the whole-family wedding reception, children who are taught the proper way to behave at parties need opportunities to practice, and what better occasion than the celebration of a new baby cousin or friend who is on their way? The sight of well-behaved children in appropriate attire is also reassuring to nervous new parents, especially those who have doubts as to what their little one will be like.

It can also be particularly touching when the children invited have an interest in the new baby. One little boy who was excited about his new cousin brought the baby a stuffed bear and a copy of his own favorite book. As the party wound down and the grownups began to leave, the little boy, whom I shall call Ben, sat next to the mommy-to-be and earnestly read the book to her navel, describing the pictures for the unborn cousin's benefit.

It was the first of many times Ben would read to his small cousin, and years later, the cousin thanked Ben for the stories and teaching him to love reading by presenting a set of children's books to Ben and his wife at their own baby shower.

There is no right or wrong way to host a baby shower. Do whatever you think will make for the happiest and easiest day for the parents-to-be, their family and friends. You're probably bound to get most of it right, especially if you work together with a few friends and relatives. And if all else fails, it will make a wonderfully funny story to tell the baby when he or she grows up.

Best of luck, and congratulations on the little ones soon to enrich your life!

Seed Newsvine

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