7 Top Skills Needed To Build A Loving Relationship

1. Start with the commitment to make the marriage work.

2. Understand that you deceived each other in the courtship process and practice the skill of forgiving. While you were courting, you always put your best foot forward in order to accomplish your objective: marriage to the one you were courting. For this reason, you probably agreed to almost everything. Fortunately, you can overcome the problems that arise when you reveal those deceptions with a strong commitment and by recognizing that you not only want the marriage to work but also want to make it thrive.

3. Work at verbalizing your true feelings without taking punitive action against your mate. Say that you and your spouse swap cars, and when you switch back, you find that your mate has returned your car with the gas tank almost empty. Punitive action would be returning your mate’s car with an empty tank the next time in order to get even. Instead, pleasantly say to your mate, “Honey, you may have noticed that when I use your car, I return it at least half full of gasoline. I would really appreciate it if you would show me the same courtesy.” Chances are superb that if you handle the situation gently, lovingly, and with a big hug and smile, your mate will respond appropriately.

4. Take time to build the skill of courteousness. Building the skill of courteousness is good advice for husbands and wives to follow. Discourtesy is really disrespect; you’re seldom discourteous to anyone you truly respect. Marriage counselors say that one thing lacking in many poor marriages is genuine respect for each other. In marriage, we are often more discourteous than we are in friendships or in business relationships. Venting your anger in marriage and thinking that doing so costs nothing is irresponsible. Hurt relations always cost, especially in marriage.

5. Eliminate the words always and never from your vocabulary - as in “you always do this” or “you never do that.” Those statements aren’t true, and they can elicit nothing but a defensive retort from your mate.

6. Practice looking for the good in your mate and work on finding the humor in problems. Many couples report that, in the midst of a heated argument, something hilarious happens or is said, perhaps an interruption by a child or an innocent but appropriate remark that hits the funny bone. At any rate, the anger immediately dissipates and laughter sets in - not at each other but with each other.

7. Remember that your mate is not a mind reader. Many couples expect each other to know that they really don’t enjoy being kidded about their expanding waistline, their receding hairline, their inability to wake up instantly, their dislike of sloppiness, or their need for support and encouragement about a specific thing. But you need to gently tell your mate what your needs are. He or she can’t read your mind. Resentment builds within you if your mate doesn’t meet a need or conducts himself or herself in a way that displeases you, but he or she may not have a clue as to the nature of the problem.

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