Develop Healthier Relationships by Learning How To Say No

How often have you said Yes in answer to a request for help, when what you really want to say is No? How often have you found yourself in uncomfortable situations as a result of that Yes? Many people struggle to say No, and some conversations are more difficult than others:

*when you feel you are expected to say Yes
*when you feel you ought to say Yes
*when the person really needs you to say Yes
*when you have said No previously, and now feel guilty
*when you do not want to damage a relationship.

So we say Yes when we want to say No. We then find that the decision made in the haste and pressure of the moment leaves us with plenty of leisure in which to repent! The consequence of putting the needs of another person before your own is that you expend your own resources; energy, time, and money, in helping them achieve their needs and objectives.

These may not be in line with your needs, and are often in direct conflict with them. You feel that you have been taken advantage of; you are resentful, often exhausted, and maybe out of pocket. You may fulfill your obligations, but in bad humour, perhaps accompanied with the body language and audible complaints that clearly signal your displeasure.

Why do we do it? When we care about a relationship and the feelings of the other person it is always difficult to turn down a request for help or support. Most of us think of ourselves as helpful and considerate, and do not want others to think badly of us. Who wants to be thought disobliging, selfish or churlish!

We are also swayed by feelings of ought and should. Social or family norms, and expectations of others, all bring pressure upon us in the decision to say Yes.

For some people on the other hand, saying No is easy. They practice it often! They look after themselves, husband their personal resources and seem unfazed at the likelihood of being thought selfish and unhelpful. They choose to take care of themselves at the expense of others and their relationships with them.

What we need is a way of balancing our own needs with those of other people, in a way that takes account of the relationship implications.

There is a way. It is a three step process, based on the idea of first showing consideration for the other person and their needs; then applying the same consideration for your own needs and the availability of your resources. Here is how you do it.

When someone asks you to do something to which you are not sure you want to agree, first listen carefully to what they say to make sure you fully understand. Ask questions about the details, timing, and implications. Check that you have properly understood what they want, so they know their request has been acknowledged.

Then apply the same consideration to your own needs. You may ask for some time in which to think things through by saying: Now that I understand what you are asking, can I think it over before I decide. Agreeing to your request has some implications for me. When you start off by offering consideration to the other person and their needs, it is difficult for them to refuse you the same consideration for yours.

Lastly, if you decide not to agree to the request, FIRST lay out the reasons for your decision. This helps the person understand how you came to your decision, and while they may wish that you had said Yes, they will be able to understand and respect why you have not done so.

If you start out by saying No, and then try to explain why you came to that decision, each of you is in an emotional state that makes communication more difficult. You are on the defensive and they are unhappy that you have not said Yes.

By learning how to use consideration for yourself and other people when you say No, you put yourself in a position where you can balance your own needs with those of others. This helps you gain respect for yourself and from others and builds healthy relationships.

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