Recovering from the Shock of Infidelity

The main premise upon which marriage is built on is complete commitment and faithfulness. When infidelity happens and it often does, most marriages reach the brink and it requires a lot of effort and understanding to get it back on track. In fact, infidelity of the spouse is perhaps the worst thing that happens in a marriage. The circumstances, under which it occurs, vary from marriage to marriage and how each spouse reacts depends on each individual.

When Infidelity Occurs

Some couples might appear to have an extremely successful marriage, when out of the blue, infidelity by one of the spouses is exposed. The sudden shock can almost break a marriage. From being happily compatible, suddenly a couple become strangers, angry and sad with each other. In such circumstances, the unfaithful spouse may be contrite and repentant, as nothing in the marriage had warranted the betrayal. The other spouse may experience a series of emotions from shock to anger, to hurt and, finally, disillusionment.

It is a strange human trait that when some one has betrayed us, that we begin look for faults in ourselves that might have led to the betrayal. Sometimes, when a spouse has been unfaithful, the other partner loses confidence and takes on a defensive stance. Others experience extreme anger and more than blame a spouse prefers to blame the third party. It seems easier to digest infidelity if a third person is to blame.

There are some marriages where infidelity is a common occurrence. The unfaithful spouse has very little respect for a partner and continues to have affairs. Sometimes, a partner may be completely oblivious and sometimes he or she might prefer to have a marriage of convenience and turn a blind eye. It is difficult to predict how a marriage will withstand infidelity but the one certainty is that it will be rocky for a while.

Going Beyond Guilt and Remorse

If a person has been deeply committed to a marriage and cares for a partner, being unfaithful can lead to terrible guilt and remorse. A momentary attraction can blind one to the consequences. Having given in to temptation, living with the fact can be quite painful. A person can become enveloped in guilt and might feel hopeless and unworthy. There is also a deep sense of fear that one might lose everything that one has built, because of a moment of weakness.

However, being overcome by guilt and remorse may not help in saving the marriage. What a spouse requires at this point in time are answers and honest regret. One must be able to take the blame squarely and not look for excuses. Further, it is important to assure a spouse that he or she was no way responsible for the act of indiscretion. A person who has been unfaithful must look within and know that the affair is just not worth breaking up the marriage for. One can be forgiven once but to fall into a pattern of unfaithfulness, simply means not really caring about a spouse or the marriage.

Overcoming Anger and Hurt

It is extremely difficult to deal with one’s emotions when one discovers infidelity by a spouse. Since a person believes and lives by the pledge of total faithfulness, it is hard to come to terms with the fact that the other partner has broken the promise. There is extreme anger and deep hurt. This is the beginning of the breakdown of trust. At this point, to trust an unfaithful partner can seem inconceivable. However, if one has any interest in saving the marriage, it is important to start from scratch again.

When infidelity occurs, communication channels between couples may shut down. It might help for both to see a counsellor as a mediator might make communication easier. While it is understandable that one is overcome with anger and hurt, holding on to it cannot help the marriage. If a spouse is genuinely contrite and one wants to give him or her a second chance, it is important to forgive and forget.

Conclusion

There have been marriages that have survived infidelity and there have been marriages that have broken up. Human relationships are forever changing and the circumstances surrounding the relationship keep changing too. There are some acts that are beyond redemption while there are others that need a second chance. There is no easy way out to resolving issues. However, if two people care for each other and are willing to re-commit and work harder, even infidelity can be overcome to save a marriage.

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