How to Choose the Perfect Mate

I have the unusual opportunity of dealing with relationships in two ways. I am a Wedding Minister, and I am also a Marriage Counselor. As a Wedding Minister I am privileged to be with couples on one of the happiest days of their lives. I enjoy seeing the loving looks and touches the pair exchange as they pledge to love one another forever. At that moment they truly mean it. Unfortunately, for some, I get to see them later when the relationship has gone sour. My job is to help them learn from the painful experience so they won't repeat it.

Beverly was swept off her feet by Max and married him only to discover afterward that he did not want children. Having children was one of Bev's most important requirements. She assumed that Max wanted what she wanted and was devastated to find out that the prince she married was really a frog.

Zoe, a gorgeous red head, joined a dating service and was swamped with offers. She fell for Zack during a two-hour phone call, and they eloped on their fourth date. The next morning Zack revealed that he had a drug addiction and only had six months of sobriety. Zack turned out to be quite emotionally unstable and verbally abusive. They quickly annulled the marriage.

Pat, a successful, intelligent, attractive thirty-something had been divorced for five years and, although she had dated a lot, couldn't seem to find the right man. One day when she was especially dejected she said, "Aren't there any perfect men out there?" I replied, "There are no perfect men, but there is a man who is perfect for you!"

I always advise my clients to start finding the perfect mate by making a list of the qualities they want in a partner. Some have written lengthy catalogs of positive traits, and after reading the list out loud, told me that they would be intimidated to be with someone like that. Therefore, the very first entry on the list has to be: The perfect partner for me thinks I am perfect for him or her!

Everyone's list is different. Bill may want to find someone who loves tennis, travel, and cats while Judy's ideal mate loves to read, plays the guitar, and meditates. It is essential to make the list as long as possible. Consider not only looks and sex appeal, but values too. Tracy's priority was to find someone of the same religion. Some qualities to consider are: honesty, humor, intelligence, spirituality, vulnerability, empathy, kindness, and responsibility. Shared interests are important for most of us. Once you think your list is complete, pick your five most important traits. These are qualities that you must have in a partner. They are non-negotiable.

Alan hadn't given this much thought when he met Tara on a vacation trip and married her. Once they were settled, Alan, a professional man, realized that although Tara had a winning personality, she lacked education and couldn't hold her own among Alan's friends. He became embarrassed when they were in social situations and began to question whether the marriage could survive, since having a mate who was intellectually challenging was extremely important to him.

Once you have met someone you think might be the special one, take it slowly. An important caveat I offer my clients is: Don't make any commitments for at least six months, since it takes that long for the mask to begin to slip. We are all on our best behavior when we meet someone we are attracted to. We try to be the person we think they want. Sometimes this means pretending to be a certain way or like things we don't really like.

Before you walk down the aisle, be sure that your partner has at least the five most important traits on your list. Remember, you will be with this person day in and day out for many years and through rain and shine. If in doubt, don't.

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