Keys to Handling Your Emotions Effectively in Difficult Conversations

We are all familiar with difficult conversations. We encounter them with colleagues at work, with friends and in our families. Often, we try to avoid them altogether.

How many times do you bite your tongue rather than speak up to someone in authority? How many people are driving you crazy, in large ways or small, and whose behaviour you tolerate rather than face a conversation with them?

The least difficult of these conversations are about clearly observable behaviours. Most often they take place at work around performance issues where roles are clear, standards are in place and there is documentation to support opinion. Conversations about performance can be difficult but they are not in the same league as those between warring family members over the unacceptability of a new daughter-in-law!

Difficult conversations share three characteristics. One is that they are about issues on which we hold widely differing opinions, so the likelihood of disagreement is high. Think of conversations about individual styles and preferences, likes and dislikes, religious or political beliefs. Secondly, there is a high possibility that a dificult conversation can go very wrong and damage the relationship. But it is the third characteristic, the emotional content of these conversations, that causes the most trouble.

We all see the world differently. We hold widely different beliefs and values, we carry different expectations and we feel strongly about our sense of right and wrong. When we confront each other on these issues it is not surprising that things can become emotional and many of us avoid difficult conversations for just this reason. We are scared that it will all get out of hand; we might say something damaging that we cannot retract; or we will lose control and look foolish.

The trouble with difficult conversations is not that they can become emotional. The trouble is that they are all about emotion, and without expression of it, the meaning of the conversation is lost. Facts rarely speak for themselves. If they are to have real impact, you need to give them weight based on your view or opinion of the situation.

In a difficult conversation, you first need to anchor the discussion in reality by putting the facts forward, as you see them. While you and the other person may subsequently disagree on interpretation of these facts, that disagreement does not change the facts. Once the facts are on the table, you need to add meaning by giving your opinion or interpretation and explaining how you feel about the situation.

Do this without blaming or accusing. It can be as simple as avoiding the phrase: You made me feel, and rather owning your feelings by saying: I feel. Acknowledge that your view, no matter how strongly you hold it, is only one of many. That way, you leave roon for discussion and exploration of the views of others.

It sounds simple, but many of us are unable to express our feelings openly and clearly. We shut them down, bottle them up for as long as we can and then when we can no longer hold in the emotion, it bursts out in an uncontrolled, vehement explosion. It takes some practice to recognise and identify your feelings and then it takes courage to express them coherently and calmly.

Before you step into a difficult conversation about an emotional issue, you need to plan it carefully. Decide on the facts you will offer in support of how you feel about the situation, then choose the words you will use to express your feelings. Keep it brief and simple. Then invite the other person to say how they see it.

When you get this right you can deal with the most challenging conversations about the most dificult issues. As you become more comfortable speaking up, your integrity and self respect will increase and will help you build stronger and better relationships.

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