Why Stay Stuck In An Unhappy Relationship?

There are loads of reasons people give for staying in unhappy relationships. Here are a few of the most popular: I made a commitment, if I leave it will break my partners heart, I can't afford to leave, it will hurt my children, and, my favorite, if I leave how do I know I'll find something better. Do any of these excuses sound familiar to you? if so, then read on.

If you are unhappy in your relationship, there are 3 alternatives. First, keep the status quo. Do nothing. Continue to be miserable, make your family miserable by extension, and spiral downward into depression, despondency, or worst of all, emotional latency. Unfortunately, this is the path most often taken. Why? Because it seems easiest at the moment. It is hard work to reverse a bad relationship and if things have gone on long enough, you may not even have the will to work on it. There is a point of no return in which you just 'even care. If you are in this category, you are doing yourself and everyone around you a disservice by "hanging in there." You lack joie de vivre, your partner is robbed of a loving relationship, your kids have half a parent. You may think you are being noble and self-sacrificing by staying in such a situation, but isn't that really just an excuse for fear and uncertainty?

The second alternative is to repair the relationship. Notice I did not say to try to repair it. There is no room for try if you commit yourself to this path. You simply fix your mind to do it. The trick is that your partner has to be in the same frame of mind, from the heart, 100% committed to fixing, compromising and finding new strategies of living. This path requires that both partners make some real change. Change that will be permanent. While this is the most challenging of the alternatives, it can also be the most rewarding, but only if both partners are fully committed to it.

Unfortunately, here is the scenario that occurs too many times. You, the unhappy party will complain of being unhappy and maybe even threaten to leave if things don't change. Your partner will promise to change and does, in fact, make some changes. Things seem to be better for a few weeks, but then the old habits and behaviors start to reemerge. You are back to where you were in the first place, only now you have lost time and energy. This happens because your partner is not committed from the heart; s/he just wanted to shut you up for awhile. At this point you may give up and return to the first category and do nothing, or you might repeat this scenario, over and over. Either way, you are headed for that emotional downward spiral.

The final alternative is to end the relationship. This is where the excuses kick in. It is hard to end a relationship. That does not mean that it is not the best thing to do, for everyone concerned. If you are in a state of constant bickering or outright fighting, unhappiness and depression, you are not being noble by staying in your committed relationship. You are harming your kids, yourself, your partner and other people around you. You are not teaching your kids what a good relationship is, you are cheating yourself out of a rewarding life and you are even preventing your partner from moving on to something better (even though s/he may not have the wisdom to see it).

The trick is to overcome the fears you have so that you can move forward. Sometimes people find the inner strength to do this on their own. Things become so bad, it becomes a matter of survival. Other times you may need help to get started or someone to talk to in order to set goals and be accountable to.

People will often turn to a therapist for relationship difficulties. However, therapy is designed for people with mental illness and often focuses on the past. If you are looking for new strategies to build and renew your relationship, or if you are stuck and cannot move out of your relationship, you might benefit from coaching. Coaching is uniquely positioned to help people move forward by setting goals, overcoming fears, changing perspectives and achieving success. Coaching does not look backward. Coaching is a forward moving process that will get you on a path to a new life.

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