Standing (Not Falling) In Love

As a psychotherapist, many of my clients regale me with long, euphoric tales of "falling in love". Inevitably though, the glitter starts to wear off and the problems begin. My clients come in, weeping, crying, "The romance is over: I don’t love him/her anymore." They wonder, what happened to my love? Where did it go? "I fell in love and then I hit the pavement", one client told me. Good metaphor!

Together, my clients and I often explore: what is the difference between romance and love? Many of us have been raised to believe in romance: being "courted" with flowers and candlelit dinners and that kind of stuff. We don’t want to jump into bed until we get to know somebody. Then we look around at what everyone else appears to be doing and wonder: Am I a jerk to expect romance? What is "falling in love" anyway?

"Falling in love" implies that we’re passive and helpless. I prefer the idea of "standing in love". It takes guts and strength and a lot of impulse control to "stand in love". And if the movie versions of romance are really illusions, how can we eliminate these phony ideas about romance and "stand in love"? Fortunately (or unfortunately), there is no recipe for real, solid love. One (now happy) couple I worked with met at a bathhouse and have been together for 8 solid years, they are truly "standing in love".

If you want "romance", why not define it specifically? Could "Romance" for you mean: consideration, shared intimacy, taking turns "spoiling" each other with the occasional fancy night out? Could "romance" mean not running away when one of you gets sad and needs to be comforted and held? Could it mean allowing the other person to be angry or grumpy because their day at work was hell and yours wasn’t? I invite you to define what you mean by romance; it may not be illusory at all.

Or it might be: if you expect Hollywood-ish experiences on a regular basis, you’re probably heading for an unhappy ending (no matter how good your "trailer" was!) I often tell my clients that "when the glitter wears off" is when you see what you’re really got with a new lover, e.g., when he has bad breath in the morning, when she snores and you can’t get to sleep, etc. This is when your "fall" into romance is over: either you "stand" in love or take off running. This is your opportunity to leave Hollywood’s romantic illusions behind and act like a grownup": you see your flaws, your lover’s flaws and - together - you work them through.

If you want to be "courted". That’s great, as long as it’s mutual. Let your lover know that you treasure them, desire them, find them attractive, sexy, exciting…this is what courtship really means. And, in the long haul, if you’re lucky, your courtship and romance will blossom and grow into the kind of mature love where you and your partner stand tall and proud together, through sickness and in health, richer and poorer, good times and bum times…you know!

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